I think I'll die before i change. Change is really hard for me..." -Jennifer Lawrence in American Hustle
I love that quote. it seems extremely appropriate for what I'm going through right now. I know that I'm about to begin an exciting chapter of my life, i just wish i could puck the characters, you know? Take my favorite people with me.
I look back on the eras of my life and I can see the people that helped me transition between each. I think of my core group of friends at different times in my life and living day to day life with each of them. And how hard it was to transition to the next phase. I remember when Sondra moved to Houston and, about the same time, when Amber moved to St. George. They were my rocks, we spent every waking moment together; how was i going to continue without them?
But i did. Craig was a good buffer during that transition and helped me find Rob, Eric, Katie, etc, ie the friends who helped me figure out who i was. Those aren't the kind of friends that are easy to forget. But, like before, they've moved on. I've been desperately clinging to the last thread of that life, Eric, for a while now. And, in some way, let go of it/him tonight; he's leaving for 3 months and i may or may not be here when he gets back. He let me cry and talk and sit in silence for a long time tonight and I'm at peace with that chapter of my life.
I know I'm overly dramatic and sensitive. I know that there will be equally amazing people waiting to envelope me with open arms that i haven't even met yet. I have to have faith they will be put in my path as i continue on. The last few years have been rough. I've been stubborn and been tried. But I've been finally molded into the puzzle piece i needed to become in order to fit into where i need to go.
I am on the cusp of something big an amazing. I can feel it. There will be some great adventures in store with some equally great people. I can't wait.
I've had some amazing transition friends the last few years, good quality people who love me unconditionally. And leaving Eric, Syretta, Alex and Michelle will be hard. They are so much a part of my everyday life, it's hard for me to imagine being somewhere they aren't. But the amazing thing about this life is that we were never meant to live it alone. There is always someone to enjoy the ride with you. In my case, usually several someones. And i know that i won't be lonely for long.
On the way home tonight i listened to "Let It Go" from Frozen on repeat. As tiresome as that song has become, some of the lyrics resonate with me like never before:
" it's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all
It's time to see what i can do
To test the limits and breakthrough
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
Change is hard for me. Sometimes i think I'll die before i change. But...i know it will all be worth it.