This Day in History

04 April 2014

"Sometimes...

I think I'll die before i change. Change is really hard for me..." -Jennifer Lawrence in American Hustle

I love that quote. it seems extremely appropriate for what I'm going through right now. I know that I'm about to begin an exciting chapter of my life, i just wish i could puck the characters, you know? Take my favorite people with me.

I look back on the eras of my life and I can see the people that helped me transition between each. I think of my core group of friends at different times in my life and living  day to day life with each of them. And how hard it was to transition to the next phase. I remember when Sondra moved to Houston and, about the same time, when Amber moved to St. George. They were my rocks, we spent every waking moment together; how was i going to continue without them?

But i did. Craig was a good buffer during that transition and helped me find Rob, Eric, Katie, etc, ie the friends who helped me figure out who i was. Those aren't the kind of friends that are easy to forget. But, like before, they've moved on. I've been desperately clinging to the last thread of that life, Eric, for a while now. And, in some way, let go of it/him tonight; he's leaving for 3 months and i may or may not be here when he gets back. He let me cry and talk and sit in silence for a long time tonight and I'm at peace with that chapter of my life.

I know I'm overly dramatic and sensitive. I know that there will be equally amazing people waiting to envelope me with open arms that i haven't even met yet. I have to have faith they will be put in my path as i continue on. The last few years have been rough. I've been stubborn and been tried. But I've been finally molded into the puzzle piece i needed to become in order to fit into where i need to go.

I am on the cusp of something big an amazing. I can feel it. There will be some great adventures in store with some equally great people. I can't wait.

I've had some amazing transition friends the last few years, good quality people who love me unconditionally. And leaving Eric, Syretta, Alex and Michelle will be hard. They are so much a part of my everyday life, it's hard for me to imagine being somewhere they aren't. But the amazing thing about this life is that we were never meant to live it alone. There is always someone to enjoy the ride with you. In my case, usually several someones. And i know that i won't be lonely for long.

On the way home tonight i listened to "Let It Go" from Frozen on repeat. As tiresome as that song has become, some of the lyrics resonate with me like never before:

" it's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all
It's time to see what i can do
To test the limits and breakthrough
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I'm free..."

Change is hard for me. Sometimes i think I'll die before i change. But...i know it will all be worth it.

02 April 2014

Friends in high places

I love having friends in high places. And by that i mean friends who are currently serving missions and close to the spirit.

My good friend krystle decided to go on a mission at the age of 27 and is doing so well. We are super close and i love writing her. The first letter she sent back had some great wisdom in it. I had told her about my moving. This was her response. "and freaking MOVE! That thought didn't come randomly, it was a prompting. And one thing I've learned on my mission is to never ignore a prompting...if you are doing the right thing and living the right way, you will know in your heart what the spirit is saying to you".

I love that. And i know it's true. I've had some pretty strong impressions that i am doing something good for me, but it's easy for doubts to creep in and make you second guess. Like my best friend leaving for most of our last summer together. And not knowing what to do about my degree. And a host of other things. But...i know this is what God has in store for me next; i know moving is what i need to be doing. It sucks to not have daily access to some of the most amazing people i get to call friends. But...i have faith that God will put some equally amazing people in my path when i get to Texas. He's too good and knows me to well not to.

I'll end with another part of her letter. "My mission pres gave me a blessing and told me to 'let go'. Let go of my anxiety, let go of my pride, my anger, my sadness, anything that is holding me back from doing good. So Dana, let go! Let go of anything/everything  that is holding you back from doing something good for yourself!"

And so...i will. :) I'm moving onward and upward and letting nothing hold me back from doing something that i know can only benefit me. It's gonna be hard, but i know it will be worth it if i just trust in the Lord and hand over my will.

21 March 2014

Big things, big girl

Well, i made a big decision this week. I've decided to move to Austin, Texas this summer. I want to give this acting thing a real go and i can't afford to live in California right now. Austin is comparable to Utah, i can transfer jobs, and it's considered another market like NY, LA, Chicago, etc. if I'm successful, maybe a move to California will be next. I wanna dip my feet right now.

Plus, I'll be 6 hours from my family and can come up on the weekends. That's the other factor that makes Texas more appealing right now.

I finally decided I'm tired of waiting for my life to begin. It's time, even if a bit late, to take charge of my life and my a career. :)

08 November 2013

A late-night facebook status...

has turned into my resurgence into blogging.

ugh...I'm awake...when I get to work for at LEAST 12 hours tomorrow. Thinking about a lot of things and my mind keeps landing on my blessings. I got to WORK today...doing something I love. It may not be what I'll do forever, but for now, I love it. I got to talk to my brother on the phone. After 10 years of reading his letters and seeing him about once a year, these little things bring me such joy. I get to do something I love and for which I have a talent, Directing, at least one more time. The only real place at which I've ever directed a play is closing in January and it terrifies me I'll never get to do this again.

I have a roof over my head, a (messy) room that is mine, clothes on my back and I know I will have a next meal. A homeless woman came into work today. Most people were freaking out about her smell, which was overpowering. I can only guess she was given some money and came to the mall to buy some things and feel normal again. She bought some boots from me. All I can think about is if she has a place to sleep tonight.

I'm meandering now, which means I'll probably sleep soon, but I am so thankful for my day to day life and the people that fill it. I'm an extrovert and I thrive on being around people who make me laugh and people I love. I've felt somewhat inadequate, lately. Like...I can't seem to keep all the balls in the air. I'll have money and work up and then social life and spirituality will be falling to the ground. (I think there's a ball for dating life, but I'm pretty sure it rolled into the street..) Or vice versa. I can't seem to balance it all and I feel like there is something missing.

I keep tugging at changes, trying to keep them from happening and desperately clinging to the "now" or the "Distant past". Everyone else seems to be moving on and progressing while I'm trying to get things back to where they were, to my Zen, even though that really isn't possible anymore. I need to let go. I need to embrace the natural shifts and changes in my life. I need to stop fighting my progress and let it happen. I think this makes me a bit of a control freak. ;) I need to embrace new people in my life, and let the old ones move on. I need to change my blog header because I haven't seen most of those dear friends in ages. I need to live my life, now. And enjoy every minute of it like I usually do. =) I think that's what's missing...hopefully, I can be open enough to allow it to find me.

06 April 2013

Done and Done.

I'll post a link late when it's available but...

you know how I said I've been being really dumb lately?

Elder freaking Bednar man. Elder Bednar. Put me very very succinctly in my place today. And it was amazing...

And it was exactly what I needed.

02 April 2013

Ugh....

Dammit. I'm sick. I'm hoping it doesn't last too long. I can't afford to miss work or infect my coworkers. lol More like I can't miss work. ugh.

So. Annoying.

SO. ANNOYING.

I'm stressed out. That could also be part of it. Either way, I'm sick and I'm pissed. lol

01 April 2013

chugging along

well, I realized this weekend why I didn't make any of the shows I've been auditioning for...I need to find a part time job. My wages are being garnished because of an old debt I had. UGH. It's killing me...they take anywhere from $300-$400 PER MONTH and that's not including the $240/month that gets taken out for benefits and taxes. I'm not taking home much at all. So...until the debt is paid off (which, at this rate should be july/august) I need something to offset that money so I can actually survive. lol. I'm hoping to try a serving job at Olive Garden if I can get an interview.

I find it rather ironic that, for the first time in my life, not only am I working full time at a great job that i enjoy, I'm also getting benefits and...I can't even pay my rent. *SIGH* this, too, shall pass. I am grateful that I have a wage to garnish. I am grateful that I am getting this debt taken care of...Everything will work out in the end. And...hey...maybe my credit will improve after it's gone. =)

31 March 2013

Easter

I posted this as my status today:

On this Easter sunday, i find myself thinking about crosses. As hard as my life seems sometimes, now and in the past, i look at some of those around me and see the things they've had to endure, are currently enduring and will have to endure and i am grateful for my own crosses. I could never bare some of the crosses that are handpicked for some of the loved ones i hold dear and i know that some of mine are far too heavy for them. For as heavy as my crosses seem sometimes, they are mine and mine alone. I am grateful for the grooves that fit my shoulders so perfectly, knowing that the only other person who can fit those grooves and lift my cross is Christ. Because he has already carried that cross and can help me when it seems like too much to carry on my own. It also reminds me that I never have to carry my crosses alone...that's the true beauty of the atonement. That is what this Easter means to me. :)


30 March 2013

Spring Flinging...

Today was a pretty good day. It was so dang gorgeous outside I had SERIOUS cabin fever the last 2 hours. I went on a 2.25 mile walk with my friend felecia and then came home, made pasta and then decided I needed to make some brownies from scratch. Then my roommate and felecia went to get some ice cream and now we're having a girls night with my roommates, felecia and my cute coworker.

I am loving spring. 

29 March 2013

Duck Duck...

Goose!

So I went on a walk with my roommates today. =) i figured it's a little over a half mile around our complex so we did 2 laps and then one of my roommates went inside, did another lap and then the other roomate went inside and I did a final lap. So i did just over 2 miles in about 45 minutes, slow, but still better than nothing. I was leading the pace and felt like a Mama duck with my 2 little ducklings behind me. =) No slow sauntering for this duck!

I'm also trying to do my wellness challenge again so I need to get some exercise in, 48oz water, 2 fruits and veggies per day, 8 hrs of sleep, write in my blog/journal, reading for 15 minutes, no sugar/processed crap/junk food/ fast food (which is easy since I am poor. lol) and...no eating 3 hours I go to bed. So...here's hoping I keep this up. lol. 

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